Autism and CPTSD: Toxic Relationships, Trauma, and Neurodivergency
Being autistic in a world that often misunderstands and invalidates you is already challenging—but when you add relational trauma or domestic violence into the mix, things become even more complex. Many autistic women experience deep, confusing pain in relationships, often not realizing until much later that they were in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.
For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), the symptoms can look strikingly similar to autism—emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, social struggles, dissociation. Some people are autistic, some have CPTSD, and some have both. Untangling what comes from where is complicated, especially for those newly diagnosed.
Looking back on past relationships, you might wonder: Did I struggle because I was autistic? Because I was traumatized? Did my trauma make my autistic traits more pronounced? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are an important part of self-discovery. Understanding the interplay between autism and CPTSD can help you make sense of your past, recognize patterns in relationships, and begin the process of healing.
Why Are Autistic Women More Vulnerable to Intimate Partner Violence?
Many autistic women find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships without fully recognizing how or why. It’s important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable to abuse in relationships in some way, that is why it is so common. But there are traits within autism that may increase this vulnerability and make abuse harder to recognize. In my practice these are the themes that I have seen across many clients:
Intense Emotional Investment in Relationships: Autistic individuals often form deep emotional bonds, particular where there have been challenges in forming and maintaining relationships in the past. Like everyone, we are looking for connection, and when that is offered we tend to jump in wholeheartedly and earnestly. But this may then lead to struggles to recognize when a relationship has turned unhealthy or unsafe.
Challenges with Recognizing Manipulation: Difficulty interpreting social cues can make it harder to detect subtle forms of coercion, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. When the whole world feels like it’s operating on a different rulebook, how can we pick apart the ‘relationship’ rulebook?
Sensory and Emotional Overwhelm: Heightened sensitivity can make it harder to navigate conflict, leading to shutdowns or enduring mistreatment just to maintain stability. Meltdowns are weaponized - abusers pushing you to the edge of your comfort for their own gain, then turning your reactions against you because it was you who overreacted.
Difficulty Enforcing Boundaries: Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding social expectations, or a history of rejection can make setting and maintaining boundaries more difficult.
When Trauma Mimics Autism: The Overlap Between CPTSD and Neurodivergence
One of the most confusing parts of navigating autism and CPTSD is that trauma symptoms can look a lot like autistic traits. Some overlapping experiences include:
Sensory Sensitivities: CPTSD can heighten the nervous system’s response to stimuli, making sounds, lights, and touch feel overwhelming—something that many autistic individuals already struggle with.
Emotional Dysregulation: Both autism and CPTSD can cause intense emotional reactions, difficulty self-soothing, and an increased fight/flight/freeze response.
Social Withdrawal: Many trauma survivors become more isolated over time, avoiding social interactions due to hypervigilance, distrust, or overwhelm—similar to autistic shutdowns and social exhaustion.
Dissociation and Shutdowns: Autistic individuals and trauma survivors both experience dissociation as a response to stress, often retreating inward or emotionally disconnecting in moments of distress.
Because of these overlaps, many autistic women struggle to understand which parts of their experience are rooted in their neurodivergence and which are responses to trauma. If you have both autism and CPTSD, your reactions may be even more layered and difficult to decipher.
The Interaction Between Autism and CPTSD in Toxic Relationships
The combination of autism and CPTSD can create a cycle that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Masking Trauma Responses: Just as autistic women mask their autistic traits, they may also mask their trauma, convincing themselves that things “aren’t that bad” or that they just need to try harder to be a better partner. If you default to feeling that your reactions are the problem (because that’s what society has taught you) then it may feel reflexive to just doubledown in your efforts to suppress and hide them.
Hypervigilance and Shutdowns: CPTSD can make someone hyper-aware of potential danger, but autism can cause them to shut down instead of responding actively to red flags. Functional freeze or the freeze/collapse response to trauma may be more common in autistic persons. This can leave them feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Struggles with Boundaries: Many autistic women struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, either because they don’t recognize when they are being violated or because they fear the social consequences of saying no. CPTSD too often shows up as chronic self doubt. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do next?
Attachment and Dependency: Autistic individuals often form deep, intense bonds and struggle with change, making it harder to leave even when a relationship is harmful. Abusers can leverage any vulnerability you show, wanting to serve as ‘the only one who understands you’ or your ‘translator’ for the outside world.
For those who are newly diagnosed or suspect you are autistic, reflecting on past relationships can be both validating and confusing. You may realize that what you once blamed yourself for—being "too sensitive," "too intense," or "too naive"—was actually a result of your neurodivergence or a trauma response. This realization can be painful, but it can also be the first step toward healing and self-compassion.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Finding Yourself Again after Abuse
In the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship, we find ourselves with two tasks - first, is safety, we want to find ways to to protect ourselves from it happening again, and synthesizing lessons learnt. Secondly, is the existential task of making meaning of our experience, ‘how did it change me? what made me vulnerable? who was I then and who am I now?
Some ways to start this journey include:
Exploring Your Identity Without Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t know where autism ends and trauma begins. Therapy, self-reflection, and community support can help you explore your authentic self.
Learning to Recognize and Trust Your Instincts: Rebuilding self-trust after trauma is hard, but small steps—like honoring your feelings and practicing saying no—can make a difference.
Finding Support That Understands Neurodivergency and Trauma: Not all therapy approaches work for autistic individuals. Seeking neurodivergent-affirming, trauma-informed support can help you process your experiences without forcing you to conform to neurotypical expectations.
Seeking Support in Oklahoma?
If you're looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergent survivors of relational trauma, consider reaching out for support. I support neurodivergent adults across Oklahoma in making sense of their identity, needs, and relationships - without shame or pressure to “fix” yourself.
You can contact me and we can discuss what it would look like to work together here, or schedule a free consultation at the link below.