Learning to Stay Kind to Yourself - Self-Compassion and Acceptance After Trauma
Part 3 of the ACT and Healing Series
For many people, there comes a point in the healing journey when you’ve done the work - reflected, looked back, made sense of your stuff - but a clawing ache remains. This often leads to frustration - Why am I not over this yet? or Why do I still hurt?
That’s the moment when many people try to push themselves into progress – to “fix” the pain, tidy it up, push it aside, and move on. Sometimes people fall back into the same coping patterns that created some of the damage in the first place - pushing it down, ignoring the pain, pushing through. There is a hard truth to healing that you can’t rush the process of learning to feel safe again. Particularly in a world that still feels dangerous for many.
This is where self-compassion and acceptance come in – not as a technique, but as a stance, a viewpoint or a philosophical choice. It can be a way of relating to yourself that says: You are allowed to be in process, not perfection.
1. What Self-Compassion Really Means
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as being “soft” or “letting yourself off the hook” or avoiding responsbibility or accountability. In reality, it’s one of the most powerful psychological tools we have.
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes it as having three key components:
Mindfulness – noticing your pain without exaggerating or avoiding it.
Common humanity – remembering that suffering is part of being human, not a personal failure.
Kindness – speaking to yourself with warmth rather than criticism.
After relational trauma, many people internalize the message that they deserved the mistreatment or should have “known better.” Self-compassion directly challenges that narrative. It interrupts the self-attack cycle and invites you to relate to yourself as you would to someone you love – with patience, curiosity, and care.
You can start small: when you notice self-critical thoughts, take a breath and ask:
What would I say to my child, my best friend, or a younger version of myself if they were feeling this way?
I ask this so often of my clients that they begin to say it before I do! Often, that gentler voice already knows the truth.
2. The Power of Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means acknowledging what’s here, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s saying, This is my reality right now – and I can meet it with courage instead of resistance.
I envision our life like a glorious field of flowers, stretching out over rolling hills. The challenges we face in life, the difficulties we experience, stand like concrete monuments across this landscape. Ugly for sure, a distraction for a time, you definitely would prefer they weren’t there at all but they are there and they stand tall and in some way make the beautiful parts of the landscape so much brighter. We have got to get to a place where we can accept that they are there, allow ourselves to take them in without having them dominate. It’s just another part of the landscape of our experience.
For those healing from relational trauma or navigating big life changes, this step can feel like surrender – but it’s actually a form of freedom.
Fighting what has happened keeps you tethered to the past; accepting it allows you to begin living again. That doesn’t mean you like it or approve of it – only that you’ve stopped spending your precious energy trying to rewrite what’s already written.
You might try this reflection:
What parts of my story am I still fighting?
What would it look like to soften around them – even just a little?
Acceptance opens space for peace to grow where resistance once lived.
3. Making Peace with Your Protective Parts
After trauma, particularly in relationships, people often develop habits that for a time kept them safe – shutting down, over-accommodating, avoiding intimacy, staying busy, or minimizing their own needs. With time, these patterns can start to feel like barriers to the life you want.
But every protective part has a story. Each one emerged for a reason – to shield you from pain you weren’t ready to face. Healing isn’t about eliminating these parts; it’s about understanding them.
When you can meet these behaviors with compassion rather than criticism, you begin to integrate them. They stop running the show and instead take their rightful place – acknowledged, but no longer in control.
You might say to yourself:
“I understand why I needed that pattern. It helped me survive. But I’m safe enough now to try something different.”
That’s how healing becomes choice instead of compulsion.
4. Dropping the Rope – and Choosing Gentleness
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a style that is full of wonderful metaphors and imagery. One of my favorites is the tug-of-war.
Imagine being in a tug-of-war with your pain. The harder you pull to get rid of it, the harder it pulls back. Resisting increases the pull. This is often how we relate to our emotions – trying to think them away, work them away, or explain them away. Trying to work harder than them, and having them pull us even harder in return.
But what if you simply dropped the rope?
You don’t have to wrestle with your sadness, your anger, or your fear. You can let them be here and still move toward what matters – connection, meaning, joy, rest.
Gentleness isn’t passivity; it’s presence. It’s what allows healing to unfold in its own time.
5. Reclaiming Your Softness
Self-compassion is an act of reclamation. Trauma can make you hard, tough to the world. But if you can get back a gentleness and softness with yourself, you can give yourself more room to feel and live. After trauma, softness can feel dangerous – as if caring for yourself will make you vulnerable again. But true safety doesn’t come from hardness; it comes from being able to trust your own tenderness.
When you allow yourself to be gentle, you start to reconnect with the things that matter most to you. That may be joy, creativity, and hope – the very things trauma tries to take away - and build a life that centers these values.
Try This: A Brief Self-Compassion Practice
Pause when you notice pain or self-criticism.
Place a hand on your chest and take a slow breath.
Acknowledge what you’re feeling: “This hurts.”
Remind yourself: “Pain is part of being human. I’m not alone.”
Offer kindness: “May I be gentle with myself right now.”
It seems simple – but practiced consistently, it changes the way you inhabit your own life.
Suggested Reading
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself - by Kristin Neff
Radical Acceptance - by Tara Brach
The Happiness Trap - by Russ Harris
A Liberated Mind - by Steven C. Hayes
Take the Next Step
This is the third article in a five part series looking at how principles form Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can be used in healing from trauma caused by relationships.
Part 1 – Finding Yourself Again: Reconnect with your core values to regain clarity, direction, and a sense of self after relational trauma.
Part 2 – Facing Pain Without Losing Yourself: Learn how acceptance and mindfulness can help you navigate emotional upheaval during life transitions.
Part 3 – Practicing Self-Compassion and Acceptance: Discover how self-compassion and acceptance allow you to relate to yourself with gentleness and patience.
Part 4 – Relearning Connection: Build emotionally safe, fulfilling relationships by practicing the art of committed action.
Part 5 – Staying Aligned: Find practical ways to realign with your values when life, stress, or triggers pull you off course.
If you’d like to learn more about these concepts, I offer online therapy for adults in Oklahoma and Michigan using trauma-informed and ACT-based approaches to help you rebuild self-trust and reconnect with your values. You can schedule a free consultation below!