Why We’re Drawn to Each Other: The Attachment Style Dance in Relationships
This is one blog in a series about attachment styles - you can explore the foundation in “Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong People,” and dive deeper into specific patterns with “The Self-Saboteur” (avoidant attachment), “The People-Pleaser” (anxious attachment), and “The Push-Puller” (disorganized attachment).
Relationships don’t just happen in a vacuum. They happen between two nervous systems, two histories, two ways of understanding what love feels like. And when we don’t understand attachment styles, we can find ourselves caught in painful, confusing patterns that feel oddly familiar, even when they hurt.
It is not at all uncommon to end up falling for someone whose attachment style activates your worst fears. It’s the dance between anxious and avoidant, the push-pull of connection and retreat, the chase and the shutdown. In this blog post, I will explore a little about how different attachment styles interact, why they may be drawn to each other, the problems it may cause, and potential solutions.
Why Are We Drawn to Opposite Styles?
Choosing a partner is rarely an act of logical thought - we are drawn to people emotionally, and physically. We also commonly fall into what is called the ‘repetition compulsion’ - that is a tendency to fall into familiar patterns over and over again, even if we can logically say that the pattern is harmful. For example, if you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, unavailable, or unpredictable, your nervous system may now be wired to seek out something familiar. Even if that “familiar” is painful, it still feels safe to your body.
This is why anxiously attached people often pursue avoidantly attached partners, and vice versa. The avoidant person’s emotional distance is a reminder (familiar feeling) of the caregiver who didn’t consistently meet their needs. The anxious person’s pursuit triggers the avoidant’s fear of being engulfed or controlled, and allows them to slip back into their avoidance, the place where they feel most comfortable.
It’s not that these pairings are doomed - but without awareness and healing, they tend to reinforce each other’s worst fears:
The anxious partner feels abandoned, so they protest by clinging, questioning, or overreaching.
The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed, so they retreat further.
The anxious partner panics. The avoidant partner shuts down.
And the cycle continues.
Anxious + Avoidant: The Classic Push-Pull
This is one of the most emotionally volatile pairings - and one of the most common. The anxious partner yearns for closeness and reassurance. The avoidant partner values independence and becomes uncomfortable when things get emotionally intense.
What makes this so painful is that both partners are trying to feel safe, but in opposite ways. The more one reaches, the more the other pulls away. Neither is wrong - they’re just misaligned in how they seek security.
Over time, this dynamic often leads to burnout, resentment, and feelings of never being “enough” for each other.
What to do about it?
Start by learning to pause your automatic reactions. Anxious partners can work on self-soothing and slowing down their pursuit; avoidant partners can practice staying present and communicating discomfort before withdrawing.
Avoidant + Avoidant: Two Islands, No Bridge
When two avoidantly attached people date, they may enjoy the early stages - low pressure, lots of space - but struggle with deeper emotional connection. Both may avoid vulnerability, downplay their needs, or rely on logic over feeling.
The relationship might feel functional on the surface but emotionally distant. If conflict arises, both partners may withdraw instead of repair, leading to quiet disconnection rather than dramatic breakups. Two people coexisting rather than connecting.
What to do about it?
Focus on intentional vulnerability - set aside time to talk about emotional needs even if it feels awkward. Building intimacy slowly and consistently can help soften the distance.
Anxious + Anxious: Intense but Unstable
Two anxious partners may feel an immediate emotional bond, sharing vulnerability and affection quickly. But because both are sensitive to rejection and fear abandonment, any perceived distance or change in tone can cause spirals of worry, protest behavior, and co-dependence.
Without strong emotional regulation tools, this pairing can feel intense, validating, and exhausting all at once.
What to do about it?
Establish emotional regulation practices and boundaries that support both people calming down before reacting. Consider slowing the pace of the relationship and building in thoughtful routines that build safety.
Disorganized with Any Style: Chaos and Yearning
Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) individuals often carry both anxious and avoidant traits, creating unpredictable dynamics in relationships. When paired with any other style, the relationship may feel like a roller coaster: closeness, panic, retreat, repeat.
The disorganized partner may idealize the relationship one day and distrust it the next. Their partners often feel confused, accused, or unsure how to help. These dynamics can become especially complex without therapeutic support.
What to do about it?
Prioritize individual therapy and nervous system regulation. If you're the other partner, set firm but compassionate boundaries.
Are Some Styles More “Compatible” Than Others?
Insecure attachment styles can form strong chemistry - but often unstable partnerships. That’s not to say these relationships can’t work. They absolutely can - but they require self-awareness, emotional regulation, and often, external support (like therapy).
Two people with insecure attachment styles can grow together if they:
Learn to recognize their automatic patterns
Take responsibility for their side of the dynamic
Communicate clearly and vulnerably
Practice nervous system regulation - not just communication skills
In contrast, securely attached individuals tend to create steadier, more resilient relationships, and often serve as a healing force for anxious or avoidant partners - if there’s openness to growth on both sides.
How to Break the Cycle
If you’re tired of being drawn to people who activate your wounds, here are some ideas of how to shift that pattern:
Notice your type before you act
Are you attracted to intensity, emotional distance, or the thrill of the chase? Sometimes our nervous systems mistake stress for chemistry.Interrupt the automatic dance
When you feel the urge to pursue or withdraw, pause. What’s the story you’re telling yourself? What does your younger self need in that moment?Give safe, secure people a chance
At first, they might feel “boring.” But safety grows on you - if you give it time to feel familiar.Do your own healing work
You don’t have to wait for the perfect partner to change your attachment patterns. Every act of self-soothing, boundary-setting, and emotional honesty rewires your system for secure love.
Love Is a Practice - Not a Fix
We’re drawn to people who reflect our nervous system’s idea of home. That “home” can be chaotic, inconsistent, or unavailable if that’s what we learned early on. But that blueprint can change. You can build a new home inside yourself - one where safety, clarity, and secure connection are possible.
And when you do, you won’t just fall for the ones who trigger your wounds. You’ll start to recognize and desire, the ones who help you heal. If you are in Oklahoma and would like to work together, you can schedule a free consultation and we can start the work of identifying and healing attachment.